Why do others succeed and we don’t?
3 reasons why you should adapt a scientific perspective on behavior change
Studying small variables and showing how they can be responsible for certain outcomes is the job description of a researcher. When was the last time you really sat down and reflected: “what part of me is responsible for the successes and failures in my life?”
Most of the time, we treat our successes as miracles, as proof of our strength, grit, and motivation. Inversely, we treat our failures as bad luck, as proof of our weakness, inadequacy, and inconsistency.
When we repeatedly lose despite our initial motivations not wavering, it makes us question ourselves: why are we so incompetent? The incongruence between inputs and outputs leads to comparison and depression. When doubt sinks in, inactivity follows like a spectre. We want this so bad and yet it seems like we would sooner bite a rock than do anything to achieve said goals.
It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that it's us who is the problem. It makes us think that we need to overhaul our entire identities. However, changing “yourself” as a response to failure is akin to smashing your car because the tires went flat. While understandable because of frustration, it is also unreasonable, destructive, and unsustainable.
What we need to look into is behaviour change -- changing and making small habits that will pay dividends in the long run.
A scientific perspective on behaviour change forwards solving problems with clarity and objectivity. If we place our behaviour in a framework where methods are detailed and results aren’t inherently good or bad, we would have to force ourselves to think like researchers -- in terms of variables and factors.
Instead of saying, "why am I like this?", we begin to ask, "how did my behaviour manifest into this outcome and what can I do to encourage/prevent it?" The scientific perspective also normalizes making mistakes and incorrect predictions. In fact, it implicitly acknowledges that these will make up the bulk of your self-development journey. To expound more on this, here are three reasons why you should start thinking of behaviour change from a scientific perspective.
1. There are no useless results. All results are learning experiences.
Try to think if the following sentences are familiar to you.
I want to go on a diet. I am motivated and have now made a plan of action to follow through on my goal. I execute my plan of action. I don't lose the weight as planned. I binge ate and lost all hope. The reason why I didn't get results is that I'm an inconsistent, hopeless, mentally ill, depressed loser.
If this sequence describes your usual behavioural pattern when it comes to goal-setting, then I suggest completely abandoning this kind of results-based perspective. While rewarding for wins, an outcome-based approach will beat our self-esteem black and blue if it means achieving results. In the long run, it is very harmful to ourselves and our goals.
Let’s try the research metaphor again. If the results do not match your hypothesis or predictions, is your research automatically useless? No! In fact, negative results are sometimes more valued than positive results because it tells us where things need more studying and exploration. Negative results are positive learning experiences. If we apply the same courtesy and sensitivity in inanimate objects such as research papers, why can't we also apply this same mindset to our daily lives?
2. Flexible and adaptable to change. The world changes, therefore mindsets have to change as well.
A scientific approach to setting goals and habits is flexible and adaptable to change. When you are starting a new study, do you expect that you can answer all questions in the field right from the start? You take it little by little, step by step, learning every day what works and doesn't work for you. Sure, you can do your research, but everything will always be different for everyone else. Take the time to know yourself, study yourself, and forgive yourself when you make mistakes.
Do not treat failure as a reflection of your character but rather a result of a non-effective plan of action. Have trouble dieting? Maybe it's because you're putting too much friction between yourself and your goal by expecting yourself to lose 10kg in a month. To quote Dr. Ali Abdal: “Friction is the most powerful thing in the universe.”
If you are feeling paralyzed or unmotivated by your own goals, maybe it's time to switch gears. Next time, allow yourself to take it easy and pledge to just do 5 to 15 minutes of light exercise every day. That way, there's no friction and it's up to you to elongate that period even further.
3. A future-oriented progressive perspective. Forgiveness allows us to heal from self-inflicted wounds and look forward to tomorrow.
The key to the scientific approach of behaviour change is largely dependent on your willingness to forgive yourself for the little mistakes you make each day. This might be hard especially after a loss to your vices that made you feel like you are no longer in control of your life. However, if we truly wish to change, it must come from within.
We must heal ourselves first from the rejections, most especially the ones we've dealt to ourselves when we echoed other people’s sentiments and reminded that we'll never make it or that we'll never account for something. With each bout of forgiveness, which each round of reflection, we are not only directing ourselves to a better mode of behaviour, we are also subconsciously looking forward to the new results tomorrow will bring.
By taking the load off our shoulders, we start to heal and realize that we were only trying to survive before. Healing also allows us to see the bigger structures in place that led our lives in the wrong direction e.g. privilege, social class, beauty standards, etc.
Using research concepts once again, we discover here that there were a bunch of external constant variables that we didn’t consider before. We are reaffirmed that it is truly not us -- it’s our material conditions, the nature of society -- and while we do share this universal realization, the willingness to support social change is entirely up to each one of us.
Conclusion
The scientific perspective on behaviour change, while effective, is not foolproof. We are not unbiased researchers, nor is life as constrained and predictable as a research paper. However, what is true is the compound effect of small changes when repeated and accumulated over a long period. James Clear perfectly summarizes this in his book, Atomic Habits: “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity.”
I am not an expert. However, as someone who has been clinically diagnosed with BPD and troubled with unforgiving cycles of mania and depression -- nothing helps more than a brand new start every morning after the last night's session of forgiveness and reflection.
In the same way that all the little hurts and pain in the past has accumulated into incapacitating shackles restricting us from our dreams, believe that healing follows the same trajectory. Allow yourself to recover each day, to take it one step at a time, to observe and add to the knowledge you know about yourself slowly.
It is my hope, for both myself and others also seeking change, that we heal from our emotional wounds to the point that we no longer have to look at ourselves with disdain and disappointment, nor ask the questions of why others succeed while we don’t, because we are already well on our way to the future we envisioned.
What do you think about behaviour change? Are you currently trying to make changes in your life stick? Share it with us in the comments!
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